Relationships

Welcome, and as-salamu alaykum, to the second episode of this podcast, which I haven’t really given a name yet. But everything is just flowing perfectly fine the way it is, and it will take the shape that it needs to take. I talked in the first episode about what the zero feels like for me, from my point of view — what unconditional love feels like. And now I would like to talk about relationships.

Miraculously, in the past three days — on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday — on each day I met a woman, three different women, and each of them had the same story. They had been together with a man, split up, and gotten back with their exes in one way or another. And the story was the same each time: “He’s actually great and everything is really good, but if only he could do this or that, then things would be perfect.”

It’s really interesting because it helps me to talk to humans who want to share their stories of suffering. It allows me to look at it from the point of view of the zero. The thought became clearer over the three encounters: in principle, if love comes from the center, if it is unconditional love, there is nothing that the other person can ever give you. If that person is 99% perfect, corresponding to what your vision of a partner is, and there’s this 1% that you would like them to change — the thing you’re looking for will never be provided by the other person.

Another person can never give you the sense of security you need. They can never become the perfect partner for you. If there is something you feel you’re missing, it is something you’re missing inside of you. If we go back to the zero: the soul is perhaps the closest approximation of the idea of the essence, of infinite love, of the divine. The soul is distinct from the ego. The ego is what the mind produces on this human planet. We navigate the world both with our souls and our egos. And there are valid reasons for over-identifying with the ego — when we’re born, we learn that we are somebody with a name, we become someone, we go to school, we get jobs, we get labels, and we identify with these labels. That’s the way we function, the way we’re taught to function in this world, and it feels like the only way we can actually survive.

In my case, I’m a researcher, an athlete, a father, a friend, a brother, a son — I’d like to see myself as some kind of poet. All these things are identities I created to navigate the world. And it’s perfectly fine to have these identities. The question is just how much do I identify with them, with these concepts of who I should be and how I should interact with people.

We all have identities and stories. If we over-identify with these stories, we think we need a relationship where the other person has to provide this or that for us to finally feel at ease. But when you are expecting the other person to change, you are doing that from the perspective of the ego. The ego is saying, “I’m not enough, so I need someone else to provide that bit which I am missing.” And if the relationship doesn’t give you that, it creates friction, frustration, sadness.

If we go into love in human terms — love attached to the physical manifestation of ourselves, to the bodies, to the projections we make on each other — there will always be friction, and there will always be sadness. The only place where you can truly find bliss, grace, mercy, and infinite love is within ourselves, from the point of zero gravity. And from there, you don’t need anyone else to do anything for you.

If you feel like, “We had such lovely times together,” what you’re doing is recreating a memory in the present moment. Your mind is recreating the memory of a moment where you felt fully in love, frictionless, weightless, happy, light. The important thing is to remember that you’re already creating that moment in the now. It is not attached to another person — you’re able to recreate the moment in your mind in this present moment where the original experience doesn’t exist anymore.

But what if the only function of that memory was to remind you of your ability to love? To remind you of your essence. To remind you that it is all inside of you, and you experienced it through the other person. The other person is a means for you to find your own love, to experience yourself. And in the end, it really doesn’t have anything to do with the other person.

Once you find that place, there’s no attachment to the body of that person, no attachment to their identity or ego. You can just be in full, abundant, infinite, and unconditional love. Because that’s the only place where there are no conditions — cosmic love. Divine love. Complete surrender. Where the ego just dissipates, vanishes, dissolves. And that’s where you’ll find peace.

For our human minds, it might be hard to think this way, because it feels like, “Now I can never expect anything from the other person.” But you really don’t have to do anything in this world, and you are perfect already. What I am saying right now, if it resonates, it’s because it’s a reflection of the wisdom inside of your chest. You don’t need anything from the outside, because it’s all inside already. And once you realize that, there’s no friction, no sadness, no frustration.

If you feel like you’re in a relationship where you can’t be that full version of yourself, that full loving person, then you have two options. Either look at the other person — which is probably not the most fruitful avenue — or look at yourself and see: what am I waiting to learn through this relationship? What am I missing? What am I looking for exactly? And once you go to the end of that question, you will always find that there’s something inside of you that you’re trying to cover or fill with the presence of the other person.

But that also means you don’t have to stay in that relationship. Nothing has to be at all. Everything is perfect already. From that space, there’s no past that unites you with another person. There’s no debt towards another person. Are you fully convinced you want to stay? Is this a place that allows you to find your way to full, abundant, and unconditional love? If the answer is no, then probably the place isn’t the best one for you.

Once you let go of the past, once you let go of the idea that there is something you have to prove — the ego often appears as a very loving, sacrificing human. That’s its dangerous nature. If you want to save the other person, that also comes from the ego. Because from a place of abundance, of the divine, you cannot save another person. If you try to meet a need that arises from their ego, you will just be feeding their ego. The best thing you can do is stay in a place of abundance, whatever happens. And that is truly unconditional love.

It means: I’m going to be here, and I’m going to love you unconditionally. I invite you to share this space with me as a human being. Let’s work together not to get attached to the physical manifestation of it — not to sexuality, not to having the other person as a husband, wife, partner. Let’s just accept the immense beauty of that love and be in awe together. And remind each other that it is independent of us. We are allowed to experience ourselves through other people. That is immensely beautiful in this human universe. But it doesn’t have anything to do with the other human as a shape and form.

This might be a lot for now. If it generates resistance or friction, look at it. Ask yourself where it comes from. Try to formulate your thoughts — that’s one of the most powerful things you can do as a human being: noticing the discomfort, identifying it, trying to verbalize it. Ideally, speak about it with somebody else. By speaking about it, it loses its weight. If it remains stuck in your head, it’s going to grow and become something you feel physically.

And don’t forget — there’s nothing wrong in anything that you do, because everything is perfect already. There’s nothing that you have to do. There is no becoming. There is just being. And it’s already perfect. Whatever I’m saying, it’s never a judgment. The zero, the divine, infinite love, cosmic love — it is not judgmental. There is no judgment on anything out there. There’s just pure observation. And everything is seen as a manifestation of the divine.

So if you have to go through a relationship to find something, that’s beautiful. In the end we’re going back to the same thing anyway. Everyone’s process is different, and sometimes you really have to suffer in relationships to find your way back to yourself. And then the relationship, even the worst one, is a pure gift from the divine.

I’ll leave you with that — with infinite and unconditional love. Talk to you soon.